


The Accidental Sensei

by The Raven Sennin (The_Raven_Sennin)



Series: Team Anko, Final Rev [1]
Category: Earthdawn, Naruto, One Piece
Genre: A Lot Like Canon, Action/Adventure, Except When It Isn't, Fantasy, MagiPunk, Near Full Rewrite, Ninjapunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-04
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-02-28 03:55:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2717900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Raven_Sennin/pseuds/The%20Raven%20Sennin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One little mix up in the Hokage's office sends Mitarashi Anko to the Academy with a vague mission-- one she takes to mean teaching Genin Team Seven! From one mix-up comes headaches for a copy-nin, a coming revolution in ninja education, and a far too amused Hokage! v 4.0- re-organized into chapters and notes added to the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [In Memoriam](https://archiveofourown.org/works/864249) by [Shockz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shockz/pseuds/Shockz). 
  * Inspired by [What if?, Chapter 13: The Accidental Instructor](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/86375) by Rorschach's Blot. 



> Disclaimer: Unfortunately, no mimes were harmed during the making of this fic.
> 
> Stolen-- actually, no, he said we could take his ideas. I'm sending him a link. Inspired by a bit from Rorschach's Blot's What If... Naruto fic file. The Blot is Hokage of the Hiden Village of Crack. Blot-Crakakage-sama, I do this... FOR YOU! There might be bits and piecies of your genius in my blather.
> 
> But... while my inspiration is cracky, and I'm trying to keep my winning humour about me (since you all appreciate it, or tell me you do anyway) I take the base concept in a different direction. I want to explore a few things.
> 
> It's also because of how I like playing the Professor. And because it lets me be evil to Kakashi in a way I can't be in my OTHER fic. 
> 
> More to the point, some comments make me recognize that I need to state this out front. While the germ of this story comes from Blot's ficlet, the fullness of it comes from the fact that Naruto disappointed me. It seemed to promise so much, and then everything that interested me got sideboarded. The way certain things were handled annoyed and bemused me. Which requires a near full re-write.
> 
> This is the Naruto I kinda wished for. I am not so silly as to claim I am a better writer than Kishimoto. This is just me actually doing a lot of the things I wish he had, adding some world building via deep thought and patch working in other things I love.
> 
> I am going to repeat/ paraphrase the Fair Warning Sparkz gave at the beginning of the excellent In Memoriam (available here on AO3): When I say "near full rewrite", I mean it. I wanted this to be recognizable as Naruto. The setting is the same seed planted in those early chapters, but I'm grooming the tree a different way. Character personalities, motivations and histories may or may not have been shifted drastically. Details of the setting, especially those introduced after my starting pont... they may not turn out the same. 
> 
> Make no assumptions based on canon. It's in the Manga and Anime. If it isn't in Team Anko, it's not part of Team Anko.
> 
> Ahem. ON WITH THE SHOW!

You know the story, right?

Little blond haired kid. Depending on the version you like, he's either ignored or abused by a village he somehow still loves.

Screaming at the top of his lungs he's going to lead the village someday.

You probably know several versions of that story. Of the night he finds out he has a monster locked in him. Of the night he saves his favourite teacher and joins the forces of his proud village.

You don't know this one.

##

"I think there's been a mistake," Iruka confided, as he took the seat his ruler offered.

###  **Mizu-bi, 5 Neko, 13th year of the Sandaime's Second Reign, 3048.**

**1945 h.**

How... opportune, Sarutobi Hiruzen thought. He'd been about to call the chuunin.

"Oh?" the Hokage asked, setting aside the latest copy of Adult Refined Tales Monthly. Because everyone is a pervert in Konoha.

"You assigned Hatake Kakashi as Team Seven's jounin sensei, correct?" Iruka asked.

"Yes, it was felt Kakashi could best train Sasuke in the Sharingan, and his focus on teamwork would stabilize the Uchiha. We went over this, the bell test thing--"

"Mitarashi Anko has taken responsibility for them, Hokage-sama."

The Hokage sighed, though without much surprise. He drew deeply on his pipe, Konoha's "special blend" helping keep his cool. They grow all kinds of leaves in Konoha.

"And Hatake turned up to demonstrate summoning jutsu to a class at the academy..."

"I found him bordering on hysteria at the Broken Tool, with Shiraishi Mako providing sanity release..."

"Decent bar to do it in, decent nin to do it with," the Hokage said with a smirk.

"How did this happen?" Iruka wondered. "You gave the orders yourself, of course!"

The Hokage sighed. "Well, to be honest..."

##

**0830 h.**

Anko walked into the Hokage's office and bowed.

"You called for me, Hokage-sama?" Anko asked respectfully.

"I have a new mission for you," the Hokage replied, "go to the Academy and . . ."

"Hokage-sama," one of his aides rushed in, "the new issue of ARTM is out in stores!"

"And I'm sure you'll figure it out," Sarutobi called over his shoulder as he rushed out.

Anko blinked. "I... figured he'd have his delivered... I do..."

##

**1956 h.**

"... you were rushed because of the new issue of Adult Refined...?" Iruka managed.

"It's finally got the second part of 'House Mates'," The Hokage said serenely.

"That was this month?" Iruka said, a bit of panic in his voice.

"Yes," the Hokage said. "In which... well, it's enough of a twist I've got the ANBU Spoiler Squad on duty." They took spoilers very seriously in his village. At Iruka's long face, the Hokage chuckled. "You can borrow mine if they're sold out. Until the second printing gets out, when I'll want mine back."

Iruka sighed in relief. "Thank you, Hokage-sama. But still... there is the matter of the... side effects your zeal for good literature caused."

Sarutobi took another draw on his pipe. "Tell me, Iruka... did you happen to find out how things went with the... miss-assignments?" he asked, in that manner that said he had an idea but wanted Iruka's perspective.

Iruka frowned in thought. "Well... "

##

**1406 h.**

The newly formed Team Seven was sitting in a classroom waiting for their absent jounin-sensei.

"Our stupid instructor hasn't gotten here yet," Sakura groused.

"I'll go find him! Believe it!" Naruto volunteered.

"Naruto you . . ." her eyes darted to Sasuke, "...occasionally have good ideas..."

Naruto caught the glance. "On second thought--"

 ** _NO!_** Inner Sakura growled. _It's time for SakuSasu one on one time!_

"No, it's a great idea!" Sakura said, her grin far too broad as she hustled him towards the door.

"But... I... I don't even remember his name! How do I find him?" Naruto asked.

_Oi! That's rather sexist! I should pummel him later!_

"I'm not even sure it was a guy, idiot! Just.. grab the first jounin you find walking around the academy!" Sakura advised, "I mean, we're the only team without our sensei, so whoever you find will be them for sure! You can tell a jounin if you see one, right?"

"I... guess that works," Naruto grumbled. "But what if--"

"Go!"

##

"Stupid Sasuke-bastard," Naruto grumbled. "Stupid jounin sensei. Stupid sense of loyalty to the people I help. Stupid fangirls." Naruto wandered the halls in search of their team's new commander. He'd find whoever it was, bring them back, and cock block that bastard Uchiha!

He wasn't sure why the noble rooster was the bird in this particular incarnation of the birds and bees, but damn it-- he should get the peck! Especially since Sasuke looked more like a peacock than a rooster.

Naruto stopped, undergoing the familiar feeling of his thoughts colliding like two nin making an ill timed roof jump.

Ninja slapstick is the best, the thirteen (Almost fourteen!) year old mused, chuckling. Now, where was his--

He blinked.

The woman had light brown, pupil-less eyes. Her violet hair was done up in a short, somewhat spiky ponytail. Her modesty seemed preserved solely by the tan overcoat she wore over a... very well fitted bodysuit of mesh. Her mini skirt was held up by a dark blue belt and was itself a dark orange-- thus proving to young Uzumaki-kun she was a woman of taste. Her forehead protector was actually on her forehead, and she had a fang shaped pendent hanging off her neck by a thick cord. She was adjusting one of her shin guards, and then checked her watch, frowning.

More important than all that, however, was how she was giving off the twin vibes every good jounin did. The vibe of "Don't fuck with me," and the vibe of "I don't give a fuck."

Plus, she felt familiar. That usually ment 'ANBU that used to watch him' or something similar.

"There you are," Naruto shouted, "you're late!"

The woman's head snapped up to look at him.

##

"Whoza whatsit now-- hey, you're the Uzumaki brat, aren't you?"

Anko's growl went friendly. Under the guise of chasing him over his pranks, the ANBU on his protection rotation had often played with the boy.

Because, honestly, why would ANBU be bothering with the village prankster otherwise? Let the chuunin handle it.

She's been assigned a few times between serious missions and the kid-- was a kid. A ninja kid, but a kid. Happened to have a huge natural disaster level chakra being contained in him. Bit fixated on ramen. For all those faults, a good kid.

And that was before she remembered a woman with red hair bopping her on the head while her husband chuckled.

" _Despite the fact you are a heretic that considers dango better than Ramen, our child will end up calling you Nee-san._ "

Which made turning idiots who didn't realize the Hokage did indeed mean 'Don't fuck with the fox brat' into paste all the more fun.

The boy took her hand. "We've been waiting for you for hours, Jounin-nee-chan!" Naruto shouted, starting to pull on her. "A sensei should be on time!"

Anko stood stock still, letting the blond brat pull on her with all his might, not moving as the full realization of what the Hokage had been ordering her to do hit.

"Go to the academy and I'm sure you'll figure it out."

A genin team.

The Hokage had given her a genin team.

Her.

"Who's we, anyway?" she asked, chuckling a bit at his efforts.

"You should know! Me, the Uchiha bastard and Sakura-chan!"

The student of the Hokage's traitor of a pupil. Her. **Trusted** with three young nins. One of whom was Minato-nii and Kushina-nee's son, the much ignored vessel of the Nine-tails; another the only loyal survivor of one of the Founding Clans; and... "Haruno Sakura?"

"Who else?"

And the girl whose brilliance, Umino Iruka had asserted one drunken night at the Tool, only needed to be brought to practical application.

She was teaching them.

Her.

In a flash, she had the blond boy bundled in a firenin's carry over her shoulder. "Well, why didn't you say so! Chop-chop! Where's our team?"

"Oi! put me down, Sensei!"

"Uh-uh, brat! I'm keeping you hostage till you get me to my team! Time's wasting!"

"We're in our old classroom, of course!"

"Which is? C'mon, Anko-sensei wants to see her new minions! Fufufufufu!"

"Oi! Who are you calling a minion!"

"It's a term of endearment! Accept your destiny as an extension of my crazed will! Ka-Fufufufufufufu!

As she carried off the protesting boy, she was bubbling over inside. Her! Hiruzen-sama had trusted HER!

She vowed that she wouldn't let the old man down.

This was going to be so much fun.

##

**1416 h.**

Kakashi lazily wandered into the academy a few minutes later on his way to meet his new team. It was always nice to be chosen as a Jounin-sensei, he thought to himself, just like having a couple paid days off . All he had to do was show up for a few minutes on the first day and an hour on the second, not to mention how enjoyable it was to crush a group of brats that didn't understand the meaning of teamwork.

A chuunin stuck her head out of a room and, meeting his eye, sighed with relief. "Ah! Thank the kami, you're here, jounin-sama--" The green-black haired woman blinked. "Wow. We are honoured, Hatake-sama."

Well, he thought, this was an unusual greeting. Was the chuunin that eager to rid herself of this trio?

Kakashi grew confused as the chuunin lead him into a classroom... filled with cadets. That was odd-- was he, horrors, earlier than even Kurenai? But... this group seemed a bit young to be genin ready. Rowdy as hell, too.

"Now class," the chuunin-sensei said.

No one was listening. Were they trading Chocobomb cards in the back?

"Class," the chuunin-sensei announced a little firmer.

The hubbub continued, and a practice shuriken barely missing the chuunin's head.

"CLASS!" the petite woman roared.

Instant order. Damn, she was good. Hatake smirked. Now, to get his failures-- er, team.

"Yes, Mako-sensei," the class chorused.

"Thank you. Now class, as a special treat today, the Hokage has sent one of our most respected jounin, Hatake Kakashi, to demonstrate summons," the chuunin said with a grin.

Immediately all the student's eyes were on him.

Hatake blinked. Demonstrate... "Uh, wait--"

"Everyone say good afternoon to Hatake-sensei."

"Good afternoon, Hatake-sensei," the class said. That was actually rather eerie.

"Actually I'm . . ."

"Now, I'm going to leave you in Hatake-sensei's hands," the chuunin said, bowing to Hatake and somehow keeping a step beyond his reach as she backed out, "and I want you to respect him like you respect me, understood?"

"Yes, Mako-sensei."

"You can handle this yourself right?" the woman asked as she stepped out the door, not bothering to pay attention to the jounin's attempt to escape. "Thanks for covering for me."

The door closed like the door to the Hokage's tower when the latest Melonpan Sweet Romance was released.

"Wait, I . . ." Kakashi shuddered at the amount of 'mischief intent' the students were letting off. When the Hokage had told him that he had been chosen as an instructor, he'd been sure the old man just been giving him another team to fail.

He'd never expected this.

As the students collectively narrowed their eyes, a slow terror hit the Copy-nin. Maybe it hadn't been such a good idea to fail all those genin after all?

"Summons!" he said quickly. "After signing a contract, you can, by making the right hand signs, like so... and using a little blood while you call to your intended ally--" he bit his finger, and slammed it to the floor. "Bull!"

The big bulldog appeared, and looked around almost meditatively.

"Demo for the academy," Kakashi explained, "Hokage's orders."

Bull wuffed understanding.

"Wow," was heard from a few students, a couple close to the front reached out to touch the huge dog, and Kakashi allowed himself a slow, calm exhale.

"Show us more!" someone shouted, and that seemed to be a cue to the whole class to surge forward.

In the split second before the wave hit, Kakashi looked at Bull.

The bulldog sat on his haunches and scruffed behind his ear.

"Traitor," Kakashi hissed as the students engulfed him.

This was going to _suck_.


	2. Expectations of Development

**1430 h.**

Anko entered the room by kicking the door open with a side sweep, hauling Naruto in a bundle of rope over her shoulder. "... the amount of paperwork involved?"

"First thing he told me!" Naruto said boldly. "Then he said if that didn't scare me off, maybe I would be Hokage someday, y'know?"

"Yeah, the old man's a good one. Well, if you're game for that-- Hello, other minions!"

"Minions?" Sasuke murmured.

"Think of it as a pet name, guys!" Naruto suggested over her shoulder.

"You're late!" Sakura groused.

Anko had the grace to blush. "Yeah, sorry about that. The Hokage decided to surprise me with this. I just found out I was going to be your teacher a half hour ago-- they called me in just to teach you three. Wow. Anyways, Mitarashi Anko. Special Jounin. Infiltration and assassination specialist."

"Hmph. Caught the dead last easy enough," Sasuke said.

And faster than you could make a jump cut, let alone _say_ it--

"... what... just... happened?" Sasuke said from where he was now tied up and over Anko's other shoulder.

"You cast doubt on Sensei's Awesome," Naruto deadpanned. "She had to show you her Awesome to reveal the error of your ways."

"... you really are a thin hammer, aren't you?"

"Shut up, Bastard!"

Anko smiled to her remaining student. "Okay then. Pinky, you get to walk with dignity. We're going to training ground 43, but we're going to stop for some Dango on the way."

"Ramen!" Naruto protested.

"Dango," Anko corrected gently.

"Ramen!" Naruto insisted.

"Dango," Anko said firmly.

"Ramen!" Naruto whined.

"Dango! I'm paying."

"Dango!" Naruto said joyously.

"If you insist," Anko gave in.

"Yay!" Naruto crowed. "Uh... do we get untied to enjoy it?"

"Mm... haven't decided."

##

**1458 h.**

"Kurenai! (Fufufu) Meet my minions!"

Yuuhi Kurenai blinked at her friend's greeting. Shino raised his eyebrows. Hinata seemed a bit flustered and worried. Kiba... was far too young for that lecherous look.

And the more arse-ish Hyuuga though Hinata was her problem student...

"Anko-chan?"

"Yes, Kurenai-kun?"

"Why do you have the Last Uchiha and the Prankster Adept--"

"Please," Naruto interrupted from where his head was hidden over Anko's shoulder. "I have a long way to go yet..."

"-- I stand corrected, Prankster Journeyman?"

"Thank-you, yes."

"-- over your shoulders?"

"We doubted Sensei's Awesome," Naruto said matter of factly.

"... she then had to show us it. The Awesome." Sasuke added flatly.

"I would never doubt Sensei's Awesome," Sakura chipped in, grinning broadly as she leaned in front of Anko.

"Sensei?" Kurenai said. "When... that meeting with Sarutobi-sama today...?"

"Sent me right to them," Anko said, grinning.

Kurenai smiled. "Insert girlish squee here. Amazing!"

Anko smirked. "Why, yes, I am, I think that's why Hiruzen-jiji-sama gave me them."

"A-ano," Hinata said. "You-- are not hurting Naruto-kun, are you, Anko-sensei?"

Anko smiled at the Hyuuga. She turned around. "Naruto, tell Hinata-chan you're okay."

"I'm great, Hinata-chan!" Naruto supplied. He looked at Sasuke. The Uchiha gave him a non verbal "what?", and Naruto jerked his head at Hinata, frowning.

Sasuke sighed. "I am also... fine, Hyuuga-san."

"Good," Hinata said. "The ropes..."

"Yeah," Naruto said brightly, "Anko-sensei did a great job! Sensei, can you show me how to do this rope setup? It'd be great for non-lethal capture!"

"That's the idea," Anko said, turning back around. "So, how'd they do?"

"Passed," Kurenai said with an evil grin. "Decided what you're doing to yours?"

Anko grinned.

"Passed what?" Sakura said, blinking.

"Oh, nothing," Anko said in a way that conveyed it was everything.

In a flash, Sakura found herself bound in a piggyback position to Anko's back.

"Hey, Sensei! I never doubted your Awesome!"

"You're a flight risk now, Pinky! Fufufu! Dango! Training Ground! Test! FUFUFUFUFU!" Anko said.

And the prospective Team Anko was off again.

"Wow, their sensei's hot," Kiba said, and squawked as a kunai flew past his face, nicking him. The other jounin was now behind him, and Anko licked the blade.

"Mm. Someone whose blood tastes this good shouldn't tempt me, Kurenai. Teach him some manners."

And she was off again, fufuing all the way.

Akamaru gave a little whine.

"What do you mean; you have more control over your hormones than I do?"

Shino grunted. "Also better mannered."

"Oi!"

"Please," Hinata pleaded as Kurenai shepherded them ahead of

her. "Let's not fight..."

Well. Kurenai thought. Anko. A sensei. She'd pegged the old man to go the easy route and use Hatake...

##

**1445 h. Academy. It is in fact sucking.**

Bull huffed to himself. He and the others had tried to warn their partner he wasn't being as clever as he thought with all these genin tests. Now, half of this class of academy students were giving ANBU's legendary Hound a run for his money, a third did whatever the hell they wanted, and the remainder...

Roughly half of them had settled around and even on Bull, petting or playing with him and even talking to the old dog. The other half (who smelled like trouble or worse, washouts to be) were held back by his growls.

Kakashi was calling again. Bull considered the situation, and huffed. Honestly, you'd think someone with Kakashi's life would be the last to hold back on nin children.

##

**1506 h. Training Ground 43.**

The bindings cut, Team Seven (aka Team Anko, aka Minion Squad One, aka Team Noble Woman's Evil Laugh) sat in the surprisingly peaceful training ground next to the Forest of Death eating the skewered dumplings their sensei favoured.

A squirrel started over the barrier into the peaceful zone, and the containment seal threw it back, where it exploded in mid air.

"Now, for starters," Anko said, finishing off her last skewer and tossing it in the ground before her, completing the spiral. "I'm Mitarashi Anko. I like dango, drinking with my friends, and having happy sex. Stop blushing, Pinkie, you're fourteen and soon the boys will be all over you. Learn to deal with it now."

"That isn't why I'm blushing," Sakura protested.

Anko smirked. "Right, so you are a proper Konoha girl. Oh, I also love tea ceremonies. I hate traitors and oath breakers, people who judge me because of who my sensei was, and being hit on when I'm too drunk to be up to it. My dreams are to kill a certain man-- the bastard sensei in question-- settle here in the Leaf with a man that respects me, and to be the best jounin sensei ever. Blondie?"

"I'm Uzumaki Naruto. My dream--"

"Only one?" Anko said with a partly-mock disappointed look. "I gave you three of mine."

Naruto's lip jutted out as he thought. "I'm going to be Hokage. I'm going to be the best ninja ever, so that people here see me as a person. And... I want to be able to protect the village I love. Believe it! I like ramen... uh, oh, taking care of my plants. And training! As long as no one's trying to hold me back. I hate being told I can't without a good reason. I also hate how long a kettle takes to boil for instant ramen... and, uh... being ignored, I guess."

Anko smiled and mussed his hair and nodded. "Good. Pinkie?"

Sakura looked thoughtful. "Haruno Sakura. I like . . ." she blushed, then frowned, and closed her eyes a moment. "I like to read to learn. And looking at my mom and dad being happy together. And... romance novels," she managed. "I hate..." her eyes flickered toward Naruto a moment, but she caught Anko's frown and seemed to think better. "I hate people that mock my forehead, losing, and... uh... Well, hate may be strong, but I find the way mother nags me annoying. She doesn't yell, or anything. She... 'suggests'..."

"All sweet and 'this is for your own good, dear'?" Anko said, smirking.

"Yeah!"

"Pointless," Sasuke said, startling the girl, "if she respects you enough to let you go to the academy."

Sakura smiled lightly. "Thank you, Sasuke-kun!"

Anko nodded to both. "I hate that sort of thing too. Dreams?"

"My dreams..." Sakura bit her lip and was quiet for a bit. "I... want to be strong enough to be worthy of respect. I'd... like to have a family someday, too--" Anko noticed her eye the Uchiha none-too-subtly-- "And I want to be a good kunoichi... like you, Anko-sensei!"

"Nice sucking up," Anko complimented the girl with a big smile that Sakura returned shyly. "Just wondering, you're civilian born, right?" At the girl's nod, Anko asked, "So why did you enroll...?"

Sakura smiled. "Well... when I was little, a man tried to mug my mother. A genin... a kunoichi, she stopped him. I wanted to be strong enough to help people like that." Her eyes had grown a bit unfocused as she spoke.

Anko smiled. "That's a good reason. Now you, broody."

"My name is Sasuke. I dislike many things. I don't like anything, and my dream ... my ambition is to kill a certain man."

Anko nodded, and waited. After ten very long seconds of silence, she clapped her hands briskly. "Well! Okay then. Pinkie-minion, Orange-minion, c'mon. Sasuke-kun, you'll want to report back to the academy after the break."

Sasuke blinked. "Wha-- pardon?"

Anko shrugged. "The tests at the academy are just to make sure you're a good prospect. Every jounin-sensei administers the final test when teams are assigned. Everyone emphasizes different things. You failed stage one of mine-- and stage one is the make or break with me."

Sasuke blinked, then rallied. A haughty smirk formed on his face. "You need three for a genin team," he said.

His smirk fell rapidly as Anko ruthlessly shot him down.

"Eh, there's always nin on apprenticeship that need team experience to be eligible for the exam to make chuunin. There's even a waiting list of one or two we haven't found a suitable team for, and that's not even touching the ones who need reassignment when there are deaths on missions." Now it was Anko who smirked. "I can even get a chuunin and say we're co-training these two. You aren't our only option. Anything else?" she finished brightly.

Sasuke's jaw tightened. "What. Was. The right answer?"

"It's an attitude check," Anko said flatly. "The right answer is the one the gives me an attitude I can work with. Right now, the attitude I'm getting is of a hurt little boy taking it out on everyone else-- someone who doesn't even know if his clan was really worth avenging."

"What...?" Sakura asked, then noticed Naruto smiling at Sasuke's turn of fortune and punched him.

Anko would have a talk with the girl about hitting teammates later.

"What... why wouldn't..."

Anko sighed. "Fugaku wasn't exactly popular when he died, and your mother was seen as a shadow of the jounin she was when she retired to have your brother. The only one viewed as being worth a damn by most at the end was the one that killed everyone but you. Probably have lots of folks wondering why. I am now."

Sasuke stood there, speechless.

"Nothing else? Good. Come, minions. Take care, Sasuke-kun--"

"Wait," Sasuke said, with an edge of desperation.

Anko turned and growled. "Don't waste my time, I have genin to teach."

"I **must** become a ninja! I have to!"

"Then act like one," Anko countered, her eyes narrowing. "You're trying my patience, _cadet_."

The Uchiha gritted his teeth. He took a deep breath, and schooled his features to their normal detachment. "May I please have another chance?"

Anko's glare held him for a full minute. "You have a week. Spend it thinking. Join us here at 0700 a week from now. Be on time. And I only give one second chance Uchiha-kun. Understand?"

Sasuke's bow was stiff and formal. "Yes, Anko-sensei."

He turned and walked off without a word.

"Oi... Sensei..." Sakura said. "Sasuke was the top of our year--"

"That was classroom," Anko said, trying to curb her temper. It seemed the little Uchiha had fanned up his pride far too high, and that kind of attitude always rubbed her wrong. "My job is to prepare you for real life. As stands... I would worry about my own life, let alone you and Naruto, if we took him out for a mission with that attitude."

She walked past them, as if the boy behind her did not matter. "C'mon. I want to see your practical skills."


	3. Assessment of an Opportune Mistake

**1512 h. Academy.**

Kakashi was in hell. If he used his training to fight back, he'd be nailed for using excessive force. These kids weren't like him at that age! Though... The team work the class showed made him feel like a bear facing a wolf pack as they dodged and distracted him with expert skill.

He glared at Bull from where the ninken had finally acquiesced to a massage and tummy rub led by an Inuzuka. "Fat lot of help you were."

The bulldog looked at him lazily and huffed.

Kakashi bit back a growl. Here he was, bound to a desk by ninja wire, surrounded by horrid children younger than the ones he had spent years failing...

His copy of Icha-Icha was being read and riffed on by two boys and a girl. Two boys were targeting the Hokage Monument picture in the corner with his duty-ready kunai.

"Could you at least stop trying to put me on fire?" he asked the little girl by his feet.

The girl smiled sweetly. "A real jounin could put it out before he got hurt." She resumed her work.

Kakashi bit back a curse.

##

**1528 h. Training Ground 43.**

Anko-sensei looked slightly disappointed when Naruto sent a dozen clones directly at her in an unorganized mob. That look of disappointment disappeared when she saw that two clones had used the distraction the others provided to launch the original into the air.

Naruto braced for impact as he plummeted towards the earth, his clones having used more enthusiasm than skill. This was going to hurt.

Surprisingly it didn't, in fact it seemed much softer than he expected. He reached up to feel the objects that had broken his fall. They seemed to be round and squishy, his hands reported. He gave them a squeeze.

"Enjoying yourself, ecchi?" His sensei drawled.

Naruto looked up nervously from his place between his new instructor's bountiful breasts. Well, he thought to himself, may as well be hung for a ram and all that. "Honk honk?"

"Heh," Anko laughed, "ecchi little brat."

Naruto let go, looking vaguely offended. "At least I have taste in my perversity."

"Oh?"

Naruto gave an embarrassed chuckle and stuck a hand behind his head. "Jiji... sorta taught me to read on Icha-Icha."

Sakura gasped. "You-- the Hokage-- the orange, red and--"

"You do have to admit," he said earnestly, "The text was at the right level. But the characters... yeesh... Gimmie Shiirakansu or Jintai Mokei or Yutaka."

"Yamatogawa?" Anko asked

"Eh, his early stuff is good. Then he got fixated on pure perversity. No emotional core," Naruto said, blowing a raspberry.

Anko snorted. "You are a romantic and a connoisseur. As long as you remain an honourable pervert, that's fine."

"Hon- honourable pervert?" Sakura finally managed. Her jaw had been working for a bit, hadn't it?

"A gentleman or lady who's only perverse with the willing," Sensei said, and Sakura looked torn between outrage and laughter.

"Yeah!" the blond said, seizing on the excuse. And then his brain caught up with him, and he realized that actually sounded rather awesome. All the fun the other-- er, the raging pervs had, and no women out for his blood. "Yeah..." he said, and then he took a step back and bowed. "Sorry, sensei, but... such a-- " he gave her a exaggeratedly sly once over, and damned if that didn't get Sakura chortling-- "golden opportunity--"

"Eh, I'd be offended if you didn't take it," Anko said. "But," she said, wagging her finger, "that's your one free feel. I have knives to deal with perverts without manners."

Naruto's bottom lip jutted out. "What if I innocently enjoyed the marshmallow hell while hugging my sensei on occasion?"

Anko blinked at him, then roared with laughter. Sakura collapsed, chortling even louder.

As Anko gestured for Naruto to sit and called for 'Pinky', he smiled. He kinda liked how Sakura was without the bastard around.

##

"Hold on. Sakura, you've got the basics down, but haven't you developed your own style any?"

"My... own..." Sakura blinked at her Sensei.

"You know. Didn't anyone point out your strengths in spars, suggest styles you might want to look at...?"

"Uh..." Sakura frowned. "Mizuki-sensei said he guessed I was more a cerebral ninja..."

Naruto spat to one side.

"What?" Sakura asked.

"Later," Anko explained, eyes narrowing. "Details are classified, but Naruto's right to spit. Okay, Pinky, I want you to throw your strongest attack at me--"

Anko blocked Sakura's kick with no visible effort and sighed.

"And we have a lot of work ahead of us."

Sakura frowned, taking a step back.

"Is that you saying you aren't willing to do it, Pinky?"

"No, Sensei!" the girl said loudly.

"Good girl."

##

**1558 h.**

The Chuunin instructor returned to the class with a grin on her face.

"Looks like you guys had fun," she said after she'd taken in the scene of pandemonium.

"Yes, Mako-sensei," the students chorused.

"Akane, don't think I didn't notice you trying to start that fire. Two hours of Chakra exercises for everyone every day followed by two more of Jutsu practice until everyone can set fires."

"Awww," the students sighed.

"Arson is an important ninja skill," she lectured, shaking her finger in a maternal fashion "and I wouldn't be much of an instructor if I let you graduate without making sure that you'd mastered it. Isn't that right, Hatake-sama?"

"She came close a few times," Kakashi managed. Thank god he'd remembered that one chakra control exercise Kushina had taught him!

"Now then." The instructor said, pulling out a knife and approaching Kakashi. "For homework, I want everyone to write a report on different kinds of summons."

"Yes, Mako-sensei."

"And thank Kakashi-sensei here for helping out."

"Thank you, Kakashi-sensei."

"Class, dismissed."

With a great din and ruckus, said class stormed out.

Mako looked at the masked nin bound to her desk, balancing her knife on the back of her hand. "If I cut you loose, will you get me a drink?"

"I will buy you a bar if you free me and get me a newspaper."

"Newspaper?"

Kakashi glared at the dozing Bull. "Traitors must be punished, Shiraishi-sensei."

Bull whoofed lazily.

##

**2050 h.**

"So Kakashi is being subjected to the task he's been handily avoiding, despite my intentions, and Anko has the surprising gift with young nin I only wish all our jounin had..."

"And the way she handled Sasuke..." Iruka sighed. "Frankly, it was the best response she could have given him."

"And Naruto?"

"I expect, from the way he calls you Jiji and he's slipped into calling me niisan once or twice..."

"She'll be Anko-neesan in a month or so?"

"Less," Iruka said, as he realized they were sharing a grin. "And Sakura... she told me that story, about the genin. Back when she enrolled."

"And now, she has a positive example-- for all the eccentricities Anko has, she's our unofficial head of Infiltration and Reconnaissance for a reason."

Iruka smiled warmly. "I noticed her talking to Yuuhi-san at her favourite dango stand after she fed the kids a decent meal at Genta Sushi-ya. She was so touched you trusted her with a team... all from a simple mistake."

Sarutobi tapped his pipe lightly on the desk between them. "You know, Tobirama-sensei taught me something about mistakes," he said. When Iruka leaned closer, he continued. "One must be ever alert for when a mistake... becomes an opportunity."

Iruka looked to the side, the grin reclaiming his face. "So... we should expect Hatake tomorrow?"

"And for the foreseeable future," the Hokage said. "I'll be affirming his new assignment today, in fact..."

Iruka stood and bowed. "I will inform the other instructors, Hokage-sama."

"Please do."


	4. Assignments

**2100 h.**

Anko arrived at the Hokage's office several hours after the other instructors had left.

"Sorry I'm late," Anko said as she stepped in for the meeting, "I took the kids out to get something to eat after the test, and spent an hour lecturing Naruto on nutrition."

"Really? We can only hope your words take..." the Hokage noted, his tone light. He never would have thought that Anko of all people would be good with children, but from what Iruka had said and he had scryed...

"Yeah," Anko agreed, "But buying dinner... had to reward the perverted little brat somehow and Pinky didn't do too bad either."

"Confession, Anko-- for all he protests perversity, I did teach Naruto to read on Icha Icha," Hiruzen chuckled, lighting his pipe.

Anko laughed. "So he mentioned. Not to his taste."

"Meh. It's light reading."

"But yeah... I think this'll work."

"Wonderful, when do you think you'll be ready for your next mission?" he asked lightly.

Anko smiled hopefully. "I'd really like to get in some training before I take any missions. I mean, Pinky's an encyclopedia, but her practical... it's horrid. And I ... conditionally failed the Uchiha."

The Hokage raised an eyebrow.

"He... I decided to start with a bare minimum ANBU style attitude check. Hold them to the same level I hold myself."

Hiruzen nodded. "Back when I was training, I found that wise. And Sasuke...?"

"Was almost at the level we punt the headcases over to Inoichi's clanmates in psychological ijutsu."

Hiruzen blinked.

"He hides it well until you start looking," Anko assured him. "But yeah... even if I eventually pass him, I need to grind a few more rough edges off fanboy. I'm going to retest him in a week. If he fails then..."

At her apprehension, Sarutobi Hiruzen smirked. "You are the jounin. If you have such doubts on his readiness for the field that you don't think can be handled in a team setting... then Iruka awaits. And, should you deem it, the mind-nin. But... do you mind if I arrange some... nudging in the right direction?"

Another smile. "Thank you, Hokage-sama." She frowned. "The way he acts... Makes me wonder what the Uchiha were doing in that compound before Itachi flipped-- let alone what happened that night. Now, Naruto... "

"You see some of yourself at that age in him, don't you?" The Hokage smiled.

"... he's different enough to surprise me. He's a late bloomer, I can feel it. Takes after... his mother. He doesn't know anything beyond his... status, does he?"

The Hokage took a draw on his pipe. "You knew Minato and Kushina fairly well, didn't you?"

"I... Hatake-senpai likely knew them better, as did Maito-san--"

"Anko. The Fourth both adored you."

Anko had the grace to not suppress her blush. "I... thank you, Sarutobi-sama."

In for a ryo, Hiruzen thought. "I leave it to your judgment whether Naruto is ready to know the truth. All I ask is it is his choice if anyone else knows and you notify me as soon as possible afterward. Understood?"

Anko blinked, then her look turned focused and determined. "Yes, sir."

"Now... as to missions?" Hiruzen prompted with a smile.

Anko returned it. "Mind if I hold off for a while? That is, if you don't mind--"

"Of course not," the Hokage agreed, "A bit of time off active duty would do you good, and should let the Sasuke issue settle enough you can go operational."

"Thank you, Hokage-sama."

"And when you're ready..." the Hokage said, and paused as an idea took him. He'd intended her to take it anyway, why not push her. "I have a few nice recon and infiltration 'C' ranks for their milk run, just to get the kinks out. Not as involved as your usual... but I think even with you training them, we should be careful jumping more than one rank."

"Really?" Anko asked with sparkling eyes. "You're the best, Hokage-sama."

"Really," he agreed. "Just on the edge of a promising genin team's skill, and not too time sensitive, so I can build a few up. Of course, if you don't think they can be up to snuff, we could do the usual 'D' rank run around--"

"Are you kidding?" Anko said, her smile growing. "Naruto alone has so much untapped potential, and Sasuke-- I don't think he realizes it, but he has hints of that protective streak all our best Uchiha operatives had." She tilted her head, considering. "It needs cultivation, but you know, little acorn, big tree. If I can get him operations ready, he'll be a big asset. Sakura's so damn eager to learn... though..."

"Yes?"

"Well... I've already noted some... gaps in their skills I don't think I had when I started my apprenticeship with... him." She frowned thoughtfully. "Makes me wonder about the academy, Mizuki apparently gave Sakura some really bad advice..."

"Mm. One of my finest instructors, Umino Iruka, has raised similar concerns. I'm wondering if Mizuki was our only bad egg. I've... actually already started a pilot program to remedy this. Perhaps, after your first week or two with them, you and he could meet with the head of it and compare notes?"

Anko grinned. "Sure! Anything to keep ours ready and able," she said, growing serious. "Especially if Kumo goes after the Hyuuga again or... he comes back."

"If my mistake in not being able to deal with Orochimaru comes back to haunt us," Sarutobi said firmly, "I can think of no one better to prepare our village. Dismissed."

"Thank you, Hokage-sama!"

Anko skipped out of the office with a gigantic smile on her face as a defeated looking Kakashi slumped in.

"Reporting in, Hokage," Kakashi said in a tired voice. At least he had sobered up before coming.

"How'd they do?" the Hokage asked, with a cheerful air he knew made even his elites feel doomed.

"When you said I was going to be an instructor, I never thought it would be like this," Kakashi said, exhaustion and a little fear lacing his voice.

"They did well then?" Sarutobi asked hopefully.

"They . . . they tied me up and took my book away," Kakashi sobbed.

"I'll take that as a yes then," the Hokage agreed, "enjoy your new assignment."

"How . . . how long do I have to do this?"

The Hokage grew serious. "Kakashi," he said, pulling out a thick file and dropping it on his desk with a substantial thud. "This is a record of all the genin teams you have failed."

"I... see..."

"And these," Sarutobi said, leaning down and bringing up two stacks of files nearly three feet tall each, "are the files of all the ANBU you've trained. Several with notes praising you. Including the repeated phrase, 'a great teacher'. Now, comparing the genin file to all these ANBU files, Kakashi-kun," he said, and was pleased as the jounin bowed his head like a chided academy student, "how do you think I regard the first in view of the second?"

"I... understand, Hokage-sama. So... is it an..." the Copy-nin swallowed. "indefinite posting?"

"Oh, no!" the Hokage said. "Kakashi! I would never assign an elite jounin to such a mission without a deadline! No, I have simply found the academy lacking the standards it should have. Who better than one of my elites to raise the standard, mm?"

"Of course," Kakashi said, relief evident. "So... my deadline?"

The Hokage took that as his signal for the "kill".

"Let's say... until our little pilot class all become chuunin."

"Until... that's... beyond their academy years, Hiruzen-sama."

And relief... stifled! Gad, almost as satisfying as giving Jiraiya, Tsunade, and Ori an attitude adjustment back in the day. And all the kami knew Minato had needed several before he was Hokage material. "Of course, once they get their own genin teams, you'll shift to advising those jounins, and I don't expect a 100% pass rate. Say... oh... 75%?"

"But . . . but that'll take years," Kakashi protested. "And... the average is three genin teams per grad class..."

"Yes," Sarutobi said gravely. "I'm counting on you to improve that, Kakashi. That's a piss poor record; I don't care if it's peace time. And besides... I'd say that if they were able to defeat you then they're already well on their way to passing the exam, mm?"

"But . . ."

"How old were you when you became a chuunin?" Sarutobi pointed out. "I don't expect them to match that, in fact there's laws to prevent such abuses, but..."

"Yes, sir." And Sarutobi could see the thoughts in that one exposed eye of his.

I really, really shouldn't have gotten on the old man's bad side.

Sarutobi felt a slight twinge. Throw him a bone, part of him that sounded suspiciously like his sensei said.

"By the way," the Hokage said cooly. "You will be working with Umino Iruka and Mitarashi Anko on this."

Hatake's head snapped up. "... from what I hear, Umino-san is one of our finest instructors and part of why Mizuki's treason was uncovered. But Mitarashi-san...?"

"She's been given a genin team this year, and has mentioned there seems to be gaps she did not have."

The eye narrowed. "...gaps? Who is on this team?"

"A promising but unchallenged civilian named Haruno Sakura--"

"Mm. Mother's... on the Citizen Council," Kakashi temporalized.

"Among other things," the Hokage said with a nod. Current company did not allow elaboration.

Kakashi nodded. "Nice, bit of a nag, but well intentioned. Says her girl's a bit... fixated on the Uchiha heir. Her dad works as her partner in a merchant supply business. Isn't too thrilled the way some elevate Sasuke based on his clan name. Good people."

"Oh? Perhaps it's good Anko conditionally failed him, then. Topple the pedestal."

"She... failed Sasuke?"

"Conditionally. Subjected him to an ANBU style attitude check. I've already got complaints. Amusingly."

Hatake thought a moment. "... brilliant. It never would have... but after what he's been through... yes, that was sensible. Start hacking away at any Uchiha isolationist tendencies, too."

Hiruzen nodded. So the nin before him could be guided to see his blind spots. "Her final student, she finds great promise in. Says he takes after his mother."

"Oh?"

"Uzumaki Kushina."

The Copy-nin's breath caught. "She is... Naruto's sensei?"

Hiruzen simply let the man stew on that.

"When should I next check in?" Hatake finally asked.

"A week. "

"Yes, Hokage."


	5. Settling In

**2216 h.**

"Anko," Ibiki drawled. Then the head of Torture and Interrogation caught her shell shocked look, and looked at the other Intelligence department heads.

Hino Eiji (head of Intelligence and Counter Intelligence, made the best damn tea and the most perfect omelets in Konoha and probably the oldest serving ANBU) pulled out a chair. Anko's position as Head of Infiltration was unofficial, but that was like how unofficially Shimura Danzou was in the loop for more than so very many expected.

So Anko was the master infiltrator and one of them.

"What's wrong?" Eiji asked, pouring her some tea.

"I just channeled Maito Gai to get my genin in line."

Tani Konohako (head of Sabotage and one who knew the pain the Hokage's grandson felt) grumbled as she handed Aihara Den (Head of Government Security, good with kids and secretly the writer of 'The Love Ninja' in Hi no Mainichi Shimbun-- Hi no Kuni's National Daily-- every Sunday) several ryo. Den didn't smile as he pocketed the money, focused on Anko. "Ouch. You okay, kid?"

"I was ranting about 'the Awesome' like Gai going on about Youth."

Konohako chuckled. "Want us to watch you for signs of spandex?"

"I'd watch that," Den noted.

"Ow," he added, as Eiji and Konohako each stomped a foot.

As this was nothing unusual, Anko continued. "Don't get me wrong, I like Gai. Gai's great. I sleep with Gai."

Every other head grumbled as Morino Ibiki gestured for his cash. "Gai is Konoha's Taijutsu Master and I'd want him in my corner any day. But I wouldn't want to _be_ Gai," Ibiki agreed, gesturing firmly at Den, who coughed up the rest of his wager.

"Exactly!" Anko said.

"Can he really do 100 push ups with his tongue?" Konohako asked.

"I've never let him get further than 25," Anko murmured back. "If I just ape the other sensei, what does that say about me?"

"That you're just getting the hang of it," Ibiki said in his usual direct manner.

"I don't have time to. The old man--"

"The Hokage," Eiji said with his usual cheerful grin, "trusts you to do the job right. Which means figuring out how you'll teach as you go, as this is your first team."

"Eiji," Anko said, with a shy smirk-- the sort few saw on her, "I was laughing like the henchwoman in The Infinitely Gutsy Shinobi."

"See? Inspiration from great literature!" Eiji said. "Heck, I was a sensei for a spell before I joined ANBU and--" he looked around warily, "Don't tell anyone I told you, but my team's why the Kana Lady's bath is tinted fuchsia to this day."

Anko roared. "That was you? That was--"

"An event we know nothing about," Ibiki murmured with a smirk.

"Right," Anko agreed, smiling.

**0322 h.**

"It was a standard ANBU attitude check," the masked figure who landed by the gate said.

###  **Bi, Neko 6. Really fucking early, but still Cat's Tail.**

Sasuke blinked. His insomnia had driven him to walk first his clan's lands, and now on to the streets of Konoha. The Leaf, like all hidden villages, never totally slept. Still, being greeted by the boar mask at the compound's door-- unless there was a curfew he had not noticed...?

"You are the sole survivor of the Uchiha," Boar explained. "Of course we watch you." A moment of silence. Then, "You cannot understand your failure."

"... no. No I do not," Sasuke admitted.

"Did you expect to succeed because you are Uchiha?"

Sasuke gritted his teeth and took a deep breath. The elite nin was of his own volition trying to help. There was none of the sarcasm he sometimes found lurking under murmured "Uchiha-sama"s or really anything beyond the offer of help. Iruka-sensei had been the same way, even if the academy chuunin's attempts to be brotherly had grated a bit.

Sasuke met the masked gaze and sighed. "An Uchiha should have passed."

"Ah," Boar said. "Having so many other Uchiha to compare to."

Sasuke glared.

"Only three Uchiha passed that test on attempting to enter the ANBU first time. Itachi was not one of them."

Sasuke frowned. He was enough off base that he didn't merely snarl.

"We call your response, 'Non-committal role-based evasion'," Boar continued. "The subject commits no personal information, and falls back on a role they believe is expected or required of them. Such roles tend to be shallow, which is why the subject is asked to repeat the profile with new statements if there is any doubt. There is no magic response. It is, as Anko said, a means to get a read on your attitude."

Sasuke sighed. It felt odd, but he allowed it. "Was she telling the truth? About how my clan was seen?"

Boar was silent a long moment. Then: "In the past generation or so, only three Uchiha were seen as truly living up to the clan's noble history-- and there is nobility to your family, Sasuke. They were Itachi, Obito, and Mikoto."

"A murderer, a failure, and a housewife?"

Boar snorted. "Is that what the rest of the clan called Obito and Mikoto? Kami, you people were tuned out. And as to Itachi..."

Sasuke scowled. "Are you saying my brother did not murder all but myself?"

"I am saying that what we are told and what there is to know can be widely disparate, Sasuke-san."

And Boar leapt away, leaving a scowling, off balance Last Uchiha.

##

**0640 h**

Sarutobi Hiruzen blocked his grandson's practice kunai with his brush. He looked up at Anko, who smiled at him.

"Thank you for coming to me with this concern, Anko. If Sasuke becomes a member of Team Seven... you may tell him what you know. If I trust you with the one..."

"Yes, sir," said Anko. She gave Konohamaru a very Anko smirk. "Try not to kill the old man, brat. We still need him."

As the jounin slinked out, the Hokage looked at his daughter's son. "I thought Naruto convinced you to lay off this...?" Hiruzen said with a sigh.

"... this is the only way I get to spend time with you," Konohamaru said with a scowl. "And Mom's on a mission."

Hiruzen studied his grandson a moment, then pulled the boy into his lap. "Moon Bear! Grizzly!"

The ANBU appeared, as ANBU do. "Yes sir!"

"See to it that my daughter's spawn's idiot tutor is... delayed."

There was a smile in Moon Bear's voice. "Of course, Hokage-sama."

"How... delayed...?" Grizzly wondered.

"Don't injure him... but it would not be tragic if he got one of his stress headaches."

He knew the two bears had given each other a look before their "Yes, Hokage!" and leaping away.

"Now, on the surface," Hiruzen said, continuing his calligraphy, "This is a boring status update to Yagi-sama, the Jounin-Oyabun of Kusa."

Somehow, almost everyone in Konoha finds their balance.

"What is it really, Ojisan?"

"I'm telling my dear friend Subaru where to pick up the latest Gotcha Gotcha Sweetheart Album for him and his wife without his sister in law moralizing at them."

And they're all perverts, as mentioned.

"I don't get why you read those, Ojisan."

"You will, Konohamaru. You will."

Well, when nature takes its course, anyway.

##

**0715 h.**

"Minions... welcome to Hell Week," Anko said, as they stood on top of the building Anko lived in.

Her grin was not encouraging.

"Hell... week?" Naruto said. "What? What? What? I thought we passed!"

"I did say stage one, yes?" Anko said, grinning even more maniacally.

Naruto looked at Sakura. She was biting her lip.

"What's... Stage 2, Anko-sensei?" Sakura asked, her voice tepid.

"Well, now," Anko said, rubbing her hands together. "What did we all learn not to doubt yesterday?"

Naruto heard Sakura swallow before the girl carefully answered, "Sensei's... Awesome?"

"Yes. Hell Week is where I find out if you have your own Awesome we can work with."

"Oi!" Naruto said, excitably. "I'll show you--"

"I know, Kage Bunshin," Anko-sensei said mildly, and Naruto stopped short. "Mildly... interesting, I suppose. But the Awesome is not a Jutsu, or a trick, or a bloodline."

"Oi, Sensei! What is it then, the Awesome? What, what, what?"

Sakura smacked him. He rubbed the bruise, and sulked at her.

"How un-Awesome of both of you."

Sensei's dry words stopped their old routine short. They looked at her-- and her look seemed not merely disappointed, but heartbroken.

Naruto found himself unable to meet his sensei's eyes.

"Hm. How to explain the Awesome. Hm-- AHA! FUFUFUFUFUFU!" And now the cackling parody of a lady of the Hi Daimyo's court was back, drawing their eyes to their sensei's face. "Of course! Osmosis! Examples! Experience! FUFUFU!" She looked at them with that half crazed look in her eye. "Starting tomorrow, we will start a gruelling training schedule based on what we do in ANBU. You'll be up by 0430h-- 4:30 am, Naruto."

"I knew that."

"We will join a... certain more experienced team in morning exercises, and then we will move on to work on what _you_ need to work on. We will train. We will visit other nin to witness their Awesome, we will learn to be a team. At the end of the week, there will be one final task... and then if you pass, you'll be fully recognized Genin of Konoha. FUFUFUFUFUFU!"

"Sensei... if Sasuke passes the retest--" Sakura began.

"Aw, don't worry about Sasuke," Anko-sensei, a sudden wisdom in her eyes. "He's going through the Hellweek he needs to find his Awesome right now."


	6. Letter Man

**0845 h.**

Someone had tried to tamper with his mail _once_. The shuuhanin that handled Konoha Post were rather vehement in expressing their displeasure. Now, his mail was delivered without issue, sealed in scrolls that required a few keys and blood to open.

Naruto had it open in a wave of his bloodied thumb and a burst of chakra, and sat at his desk-- a gift from Ocelot-nii.

He unrolled the scroll in front of the in-desk shelf that held his three favourite books-- The Infinitely Gutsy Shinobi's first volume, Konoha's History As Brief As We Could Manage, and Sealing is Simple, Not Easy.

Bills were set aside-- their delivery more a formality, as he had automatic payments set up and a very kindly banker who was a retired ANBU who made sure random idiots knew paid meant paid. A new manga tank in the Norman the Normal series, about a mage and his fey wife wandering the Sphere with their Guild. One of his pre-academy teachers had recommended it to him with a worrying grin.

The letter folded in the Keltic Royal style caused everything else to be skimmed through and set aside. The wax seal bore the dragon emblematic of the rulers of the Island Empire's rulers holding a single red and white rose.

Natsumikun's letter opened, oh so typically...

_Fishcakes,_

"Bitch, you know it means Maelstrom," Naruto muttered, smiling.

_As I send this to you, I am getting sick of being pregnant... until Yang sets her hand on my belly and says hello to the baby, or Tai gets that goofy look in his eyes, or Qrow mutters about it being just his luck that he'll get another niece with the broadest grin on his face. Rook is... well... Rook. I assume he's already plotting a training regime for the wee one... he has eighteen for Yang when she's cleared to train..._

_Mother and Father send their greetings, as do Uncle Jar, Rick and Sal and Aunt Ro and Artie._

The letter went on, updating Naruto on the goings on in the court and lands of Kells-- from Artie-ba having to step in and remind the Lords they were still subject to the laws passed by the Members, to the Members of Parliament completing impeachment of the Members who tried to stage a faunus riot to back a bill Artie had confided in Natsumikun she would have used her rarely deployed royal veto to strike had it gotten that far, to Merlin's ridiculous prank on the Sergeant Major, to Gravel's _horrible_ revenge (showing a man's apprentice his _baby_ pictures? Naruto reminded himself Sgt Major William Gravel was on the do not fuck with list), to the latest work by the Royal Alchemist brothers (vehicles powered by Dust, what would Ed and Al dream up next)...

_In closing, please tell me you actually passed that genin exam of yours this time. You wouldn't want to depress a pregnant woman, would you? Then my baby will be born sad, and I'll blame you. And I'll have Gravel and Merlin help plot my revenge._

_Oh, and just as a kind Postscript, you seem to have mistranslated my name-- I do believe_ Rose _is simply pronounced as the loan word Rozo or translated as Bara._

**_I am not a summer citrus fruit._ **

_Cúram a ghlacadh, cara. Ná leomh tú ag dul log ar orm._

_Rose Summer_

Naruto smiled. He pulled a few fresh sheets of paper out of his drawer and laid them out in a stack. He smirked as he held his hand over the paper, and his chakra eagerly danced over the page.

 _My Dearest_ Summer Mandarin...


	7. Notes on the Preceding

This has been a long time coming.

 _Is he doing it?_ The long time readers ask.

Yes. Yes, here finally are a few notes on the preceding. Where characters are from, how they've change from where they've come from, all the subtle subliminal messages... revealed.

_Took him long enough._

_Shhh! He's starting!_

And now... a few notes.

###  **01 Off the Rails**

I knew that Rorschach's Blot's 'The Accidental Instructor' was going to inspire something from me the moment I looked at it. What appealed to me for my own work, though, was more where it put certain characters. The opening positions... I could use this.

The DNA of those fragments from Blot's What If files are there. I hope the mutations I added results in something pleasing.

#### Everyone Is a Pervert in Konoha

A lot of my writing is thinking, "why don't I do what others _don't_?" It has become too typical in Naruto fics for Jiraiya's works to be seen as horrible, for an easy prude vs. hentai vibe to settle in.

Nope. Welcome to Konoha, home of the noble perverts. Naruto learned to read on Icha Icha, frank discussion about sex is the norm, and the Hokage isn't going to hide the fact he's reading an ero-manga from all but his youngest or most prudish subjects.

All the ero writers mentioned are either the names of actual ero-mangaka or their loan word pen names re-translated into Higo.

#### The Great Mix Up

This is one bit I lifted right from Blot's original. The idea of a clerical error due to the Hokage wanting to see how a serial ended just tickles me. The idea of Iruka TOTALLY understanding after he hears what serial is my addition, to drive home that EVERYONE in Konoha is a pervert.

Naruto's Thought Process, and His Level of 'Dumbness'

I love getting in Naruto's head. I imagine it acting like his namesake, a chaotic storm of thought you just need to stand back and watch for the result!

I've made Naruto significantly less "dumb" and unaware than in canon, mainly as part of a drive to show he _was_ cared for as a kid, that there's a reason he loves Konoha.

Thus, he knows a Jounin when he sees one. I still love the line about the vibe every Jounin gives off. They're Konoha's Elite, damn it.

#### ANKO

With Anko, I took her often used fandom characterization and what was in the databooks and manga-- and smashed them together. She loves tea ceremonies _and_ can be a right sadistic bitch Ibiki likes to pull out when needed.

Most of all, I latched on to Kishimoto's statement that she and Naruto are similar. This leads to an easy way to fill out both of them-- show some ways Anko's acting like Naruto and some ways Naruto's acting like Anko, and then pop in some differences. And suddenly, you've got this depth.

In Anko's introduction to Naruto as his sensei, I also address one fanon cliche that always bugged me-- why waste resources sending Konoha's elite after _a pranking kid_? Iruka seems to be able to track down the little brat down just fine. Well, if they were his protectors and guardians... then we have a good reason. They're playing with and training him in a manner the idiots in town can't object to.

The idea that Anko knew the Fourth (both of them, but we'll get to that) is a bit more common. I like the idea of Kushina and Anko arguing over their favourite foods.

Here also starts the running gag of Anko restraining her students so they don't run off, which I am careful not to over do. Funny as I find it.

#### Kakashi

Ah, Kakashi. You suffer from so much of what you do do for Naruto being off screen, and the whole shounen convention of a new technique needing a new trainer...

That said, I wondered, what if I take a stereotypical "no effort" Kakashi and give him a wake up call? What if the Hokage needs something done and an actually giving a fuck Kakashi is the perfect one to do it?

So I put Kakashi through hell, as Blot did-- but not for comedy. Because he needs the wake up call, and after what the academy did to Naruto's year... that needs fixing.

In this scene there is mention of Chocobombs, and the cards attached to them. I KNOW I got this from another fic, and if you can remind me who I'm referencing, I'd appreciate it.

###  **02 Expectations of Development**

#### Meet the Minions

In Blot's little romp, Anko discourages Naruto from being Hokage due to the paperwork. Here, a Naruto who honestly sees Sarutobi as his grandfather knows about this shite.

The opening here was also used to hint this Naruto and Sasuke are already friends, and that Sasuke does indeed have some issues. All three of them do.

#### Kurenai and Anko

The deep friendship between these two is indeed fanon.. but it's good and useful fanon.

Kishimoto... let's not mince words, Kishimoto sensei isn't the best at writing women. There's bright spots, but...

A well handled friendship not based on or ruined by mutual attraction to a boy? Yes, please.

Thanks to long time reader Sythenclaw88, I was able to sort out whether adept or master conveyed more skill for this repost. Then I settled on Naruto declaring himself a journeyman.

I also tried to convey a bit about Kurenai's team here-- that it's the jerks amongst the Hyuuga that treat Hinata badly, and that Kiba's fanon typical horndog attitude was an issue. They're perverts, not jerks.

#### Poor Kakashi

The fact even his summons are sick of his attitude...

Bull is this big, lovable lug who knows who he likes.

One of the concepts these scenes were going for was that Kakashi using his sensei's test as he did has lead to his expectations being skewed. He forgets that while they might not be prodigies like him, they are still nin.

A side note: while some of his class are related to 'imported' characters, none of Kakashi's kids are direct references.

#### Anko's test, and the attitude issue

Squirrels in the forest of death be hard core. The wards are to keep the bastards in. The things some nin could tell you...

Anko's sharing of and request for more information from her students than Kakashi in canon isn't me showing a better approach, per se. Kakashi is an assassination specialist, and Anko does 'wetwork' but is attached to the Intelligence department via T&I. Their approaches differ.

Anko mentioning she wants to kill her sensei _among other things_ is a little nodded to the fact that it's not Sasuke's desire for revenge that is an error (given what he knows) in this world.

Those of you further along... what Sakura says here is indeed true. Just not the whole truth.

You will not believe the number of 'kill the bastard now' omakes my beta readers shot at me for Sasuke. I even adapted some of them for later threats. But again, this Sasuke isn't that Sasuke. In need of a wakeup call and a few nudges, yes.

I also torpedoed the idea jounin must pass or fail all three genin. Kakashi's that way due to his personal ethos.

One or two people have wondered why, if they're friends, Naruto's smiling at Sasuke getting chewed out. It's because someone with the authority to make it stick is finally calling his friend on his attitude.

Anko's attitude check and results are something one or two of the enlisted in my beta team praised me for. It never fails to stun me how often I stumble on something they'll tell me rings very true to them without consulting them. I just try to make the actions ring true and human.

###  **03 Assessment of an Opportune Mistake**

I figured nin-kids could be holy terrors. Kakashi... has forgotten that.

Anko's evaluations were as much about establishing how she and her team will interact as a team.

#### Shiraishi Mako

[Mako originates](http://powerrangers.wikia.com/wiki/Mako_Shiraishi) from Samurai Sentai Shinkenger. But she is not _that_ Mako.

#### Acting on the Advice of his Sensei

One of the biggest differences between this fic and its Blot inspiration is Hiruzen knowing.

###  **04 Assignments**

I may not make Naruto's diet as bad as some do-- he does eat more than ramen-- but he's still a 13 year old boy with ideas that need to be challenged.

Note that while I said Icha Icha is not trash in Konoha, nor is it generally considered high art. In honest moments, Jiraiya will admit it's written to be a spot of fun light reading for most. Nin know how to get to the good bit.

#### "Anko. The Fourth both adored you."

Some readers caught this early hint that Minato and Kushina were jointly considered the Four Hokage.

Hiruzen's offer to let them jump straight to C Ranks here is honest. He truly has faith in his people-- sometimes misplaced.

Hiruzen's rebuke of Kakashi in this section was calculated. I detest 'bashing', but sometimes characters need a headcheck. Add to that many are willing to take _anything_ negative said as bashing and... well. I do my best to make the words suit the story over an editorial position.

I also wanted to establish this Kakashi _could_ teach. Hence Hiruzen bringing up his record as a ANBU trainer, a role people often slip into Kakashi's background.

A few noticed Kakashi's reaction to learning Anko was Naruto's sensei and theorized that at least part of his reaction was due to not teaching his sensei's son. My thoughts were this was part of his motivation... but he didn't realize it until Hiruzen told him just now Naruto had a sensei. And so, in trying to stay free for when Naruto graduated, he done fucked that possibility over.

###  **05 Settling in**

#### The Intelligence Division

The concept that T&I was not a top level division came to me early.

[Hino Eiji](http://kamenrider.wikia.com/wiki/Eiji_Hino) is based on the lead of Kamen Rider OOO. But he is not that character. I am eternally vexed I ruined his name in earlier drafts. Many serve under him in 'unofficial' capacities, like Jiraiya. That's the way of Intel.

Tani Konohako is what I call an 'emergent' character-- due to a character we'll meet later existing, it implies the existence of her or someone like her.

Aihara Den is an OC.

The Infinitely Gutsy Shinobi is akin to Harry Potter, culture wise.

Eiji's story takes on a whole new meaning when you find out who's one of his students later...

#### Sasuke's Headcheck continues

Going to hold off on Boar's ID for a bit.

As to Boar and Sasuke's conversation... I'm a psychology buff, can you tell?

Another point here is the concept that we must always be open to the fact we may not have all the facts.

#### Konohamaru

You'll note this Konohamaru and Naruto have a slightly different history as we go on.

You think Sarutobi won't remember how Naruto schooled Ebisu? As my beta readers often say, he's Sarutobi Fucking Hiruzen. His name is a verb across the Elementals. The other Kages have all, at one point, woken up in a cold sweat and explained it with his name, and people just nod. He's an _old nin._ He's survived this long. Only idiots, egotists, or the suicidally brave don't understand what that means.

#### The Hokage's Guards

At any given time, the Hokage is accompanied by four Keibu as his overt guard, and either the Three Bears during the day or three Mice at night. There is a rotation such that the same nin is Grizzly for a duty stretch, and then someone else takes the mask for a bit. Bears and Mice are on call for the other shift-- a bear may well be called on for night duties, and vice versa.

###  **BONUS CHAPTER: Letter Man**

To celebrate the newly uploaded revision of the first story, a small bonus.

Partly, I wanted to set up the idea of Naruto having some skill with seals already earlier on. I also wanted to establish the penpal thing in a less clunky matter.

Naruto's pen pal is [Rose Summer](http://rwby.wikia.com/wiki/Summer_Rose). She is, obviously, alive here. And she is based on, but not the character from RWBY. At this point in her personal time line, she is pregnant with a girl who will be called [Ruby](http://rwby.wikia.com/wiki/Ruby_Rose), stepmother to an [energetic little blonde girl](http://rwby.wikia.com/wiki/Yang_Xiao_Long), married to a [caring man](http://rwby.wikia.com/wiki/Taiyang_Xiao_Long) whose [ex-wife](http://rwby.wikia.com/wiki/Raven_Branwen) is a former friend of hers she'd love to have words with, and seems to have gained said former friend's two brothers as family members. Oh, I didn't link to the Brothers? Hmm. Might be a spoiler there, or I might be teasing.

Naruto's nickname for Summer is the one given by Kamen Rider Decade to his traveling partner Hikari Natsumi. Since the characters mentioned are not appearing in this fic, consider it an easter egg you can look into on your own. I decided Summer mistranslating Naruto's name deserved him skewing hers in translation as well.

I'm going to save the sources of most of Summer's relatives-- blood and otherwise-- until they appear or are mentioned more in detail, but Artie-baa is the current Pendragon, Arthuria Artoria, Queen of Heroes, Empress of Kells and her Islands. The fact she is the _queen_ should tell you all that while she is based on TypeMoons beloved kuudere waifu [Saber](http://typemoon.wikia.com/wiki/Saber_\(Fate/stay_night\)) (and everyone in that franchise is _someone's_ best waifu or husbando), she is not that character.

Merlin is, of course, the courtly wizard of the King Arthur mythos.... and really, which link do you want me to give for him. The Sergeant Major based on the lead of Warren Ellis' [Gravel](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gravel_\(comics\)).

And to be transparent, they are like the others-- not exactly the characters I cite. The world they are in changes them all. This is the source of my warning that each character cited is _not_ their canon selves.

I get the feeling some of you just want to know my sources. I hope you look into them. I enjoy many, and respect them all enough to include them. I also know a few of you expect the sources to allow you to piece together some of where I'm going.

Yeah. A bit.

But not easily.

Summer's parting line, _Cúram a ghlacadh, cara. Ná leomh tú ag dul log ar orm,_ is Irish via Google Translate. Yep. I use this and several online dictionaries so translations to "sphere talk" will seem a bit off, like a language that almost fits our world... but not quite. Which Google Translate remains _excellent_ for.

Oh? Translate it? Sure.

_Take care, friend. Don't you dare go hollow on me._

And with that, I leave you for now.


End file.
